When the going gets Tough… The Tough gets Going………

Happiness keeps u Sweet,
Trials keep u Strong,
Sorrow keeps u Human ,
Failure Keeps u Humble,
Success keeps u Glowing,
But only God Keeps u Going

There's an old priest

There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."

Don't speak English, U speak American.....

In USA :
U don't open conversation (on telephone) with a "Hello" but with a "Hi"
The telephone is never "engaged", it's always "busy".
U don't "disconnect" a phone, U simply "hang-up".
U never "mess-up" things, U only "screw them up".
U never have a "residence" tel. no., U have a "home" no.
U never have a "office" tel. no., U have a "work" no.
U don't stop at the "signals", but halt at the "lights".
U don't "accelerate", U "step on the gas".
Your tyre never "punctures", U may have a "flat".
The trains have "coaches" or "boggies' .,.no more ! but "carriages" or "boxes".
There R no "petrol pumps", but "gas stations".

"I don't know nothing", 2 negatives don't make a positive here.
U no longer meet a "wonderful" person, U meet a "cool" guy
U don't pull the switch down to light a bulb, rather flick it up.
U don't "turn on the heat", U "turn on the juice".
There's no "Business Area" ... only "business districts", and no "districts" but "counties".

No one stays "a stone's throw away", rather "a few blocks away".
There's no "Town Side", it's "Down Town".
In hotel U no longer ask for "bill" and pay by "cheque",
rather ask for "check" and pay with "bill"s (dollars).
There R no "soft drinks", only "sodas".
Life's no longer "miserable" it "stinks".
U don't have a "great" time, U have a "ball".
U don't "sweat it out", U "work U'r butt off".
Never "post" a letter, always "mail" it and "glue" the stamps, don't "stick" them.
U no longer live in "flats" , U live in "apartment".
U don't stand in a "queue", you are in a "line".
U no longer "like" something, U "appreciate" it.

"#" is not "hash", it's "pound".
U R not "deaf", U have "hearing impaired".
U R not "lunatic", U are just "mentally challenged".
U R not "disgusting" U R "sick".
U can't get "surprised" U get "zapped".
U don't "schedule" a meeting, U "skejule" it.

U never "joke", U just "kid".
U never "increase" the pressure, U always "crank" it up.
U don't try to find a lift... U find an elevator.
U no more ask for a route but for a "RAUT"
U don't ask somebody "How r u ?", U say "What's up dude?" or U say " How U DOIN?"
U never go to see a game U go to watch a game.

If U see "World" champions (or Series), read "USA" champions (or Series).
There's no "zero" but "O", no "Z"(zed) but "zee".
There's no FULL STOP after a statement, there's a PERIOD.
If someone gets angry at U, U get "flamed".
U Drive Ur car on Parkways and always park your car in the Drive-Way!

You do not ask for brinjal ... ask for Egg-Plant ..
also there are no lady's finger ..its Okra !
You do not say " He is a trouble creator " ..
rather u say "He's a pain in my ass" !
U do not say .. its a trivial job .. u say its a seat of the pants work.
Well u don't say life is boring u say LIFE SUCKS !!!!!



In short U don't speak English, U speak American.

Ad :) 

Watch what u ask for

A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband," said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra! - two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said, "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so I'm sorry, my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me".
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...
So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick, and -abracadabra! - the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story...
Men might be ungrateful idiots ... But fairies are...female.

See if you can balance him

http://www.wagenschenke.ch/index2.htm

Company Policy

Put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the roomis a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hangingfrom a hook on the ceiling. Each time a monkey triesto climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed withice water, which makes them miserable.Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb theladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to besprayed, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none ofthe eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a newmonkey is put in the room.Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why noneof the other monkeys are doing the obvious, but,undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder.All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat himsilly. He has no idea why. However, he no longerattempts to climb the ladder.A second original monkey is removed and replaced. Thenewcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but allthe other monkeys hammer the crap out of him. Thisincludes the previous new monkey, who, grateful thathe's not on the receiving end this time, participatesin the beating because all the other monkeys are doingit. However, he has no idea why he's attacking the newmonkey.One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced.Eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of themhave ever been sprayed by ice water. None of themattempt to climb the ladder. All of them willenthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries,without having any idea why.

"AND THAT'S HOW ANY COMPANY'S POLICIES GETESTABLISHED".

Taglines

• Life without danger is a waste of oxygen.


• Life in a vacuum sucks


• You'll get what's coming to you ... Unless mailed


• Two wrongs are only the beginning.


• You're only young once; you can be immature f'ever.


• As I said before, I never repeat myself.


• A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing..


• Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space.


• Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up.


• Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.


• Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.


• I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.


• Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand...?


• hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?


• Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.


• ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!


• A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.


• Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy..


• I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.


• There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.


• There are 3 kinds of people in this world...those you want things to happen, those that make things happen, and those who just wonder what the hell happened!


• Frogs have it easy. They can eat what bugs them.


• Where there's smoke, you'll find my wife cooking dinner.


• Join the army! Travel the world, Meet interesting people, and kill them.


• Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane.


• Me, Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.


• I was only looking at your name tag, honest.


• Quick, call a witch doctor! My witch is sick.


• Strip mining prevents forest fires.


• Endless Love: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.


• KENTUCKY: Five million people, Fifteen last names.


• Jesus saves sinners and redeems them for cash and valuable prizes.The faulty interface lies between the chair and the keyboard.


• Hangover: The wrath of grapes.


• Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!


• Life is Uncertain... Eat dessert first!


• When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.


• Dont hate me because I'm beautiful - hate me because your boyfriend thinks I'm beautiful!


• Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.


• You can't scare me. I drive a school bus!


• I've discovered that I often visit the state of confusion, and I know my way around pretty well.


• Smile, everyone loves a moron.


• My family puts the "fun" back in dysFUNctional.


• Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.


• Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.


• Roses are red, violets are blue, I once thought I was ugly, until I saw you!


• Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one!


• My computer NEVER cras...DOH!.


• Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster!


• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.


• How does Avon find so many women willing to take orders?


• Looking for a helping hand? There's one on your arm.


• My mind works like lightning... one brilliant flash and it's gone.


• Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.


• Sometimes you're the bug, and sometimes you're the windshield..


• Next time you wave at me, use more than one finger, please!.


• I would like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

Unfaithful

Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband Fred kept under
their bed. The box had been there for the past 20 years of their
marriage but she had never invaded his privacy. One day, while cleaning,
she decided to take a look in the box. She didn't figure it was anything
he was hiding since she could have looked at it any other time but hadn't.

In the box she found 3 eggs and 10 thousand dollars. This seemed very
strange so she went to Fred and asked, 'Why are there 3 eggs in a box
under our bed?'

He replied, 'Well, every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in
the box.'

Sue was surprised and hurt that he had been unfaithful but she consoled

herself with the fact that they had been married for over 20 years and
he had only been unfaithful 3 times. 'But where did the 10 thousand
dollars come from?' she asked. 'Every time I got a dozen, I sold it.